“Let me know if I can help you in any way when the baby is born.” … “Just let me know if you need a hand.” … “Anything I can do, just give me a call.”
Most pregnant women get these statements from friends and family but shy away from making requests when they are up to their ears in dirty laundry, unmade beds, dust bunnies and countertops crowded with dirty dishes. The myth of “I’m fine, I’m doing great, new motherhood is wonderful, I can cope and my husband is the Rock of Gibraltar” is pervasive in postpartum land. If you’re too shy to ask for help and make straight requests of people, I suggest sending the following list out to your friends and family. These are the things I have found to be missing in every house with a new baby. It’s actually easy and fun for outsiders to remedy these problems for the new parents but there seems to be a lot of confusion about what’s wanted and needed…
1. Buy us toilet paper, milk and beautiful whole grain bread.
2. Buy us a new garbage can with a swing top lid and 6 pairs of black cotton underpants (women’s size____).
3. Make us a big supper salad with feta cheese, black Kalamata olives, toasted almonds, organic green crispy things and a nice homemade dressing on the side. Drop it off and leave right away. Or, buy us frozen lasagna, garlic bread, a bag of salad, a big jug of juice, and maybe some cookies to have for dessert. Drop it off and leave right away.
4. Come over about 2 in the afternoon, hold the baby while I have a hot shower, put me to bed with the baby and then fold all the piles of laundry that have been dumped on the couch, beds or in the room corners. If there’s no laundry to fold yet, do some.
5. Come over at l0 a.m., make me eggs, toast and a 1/2 grapefruit. Clean my fridge and throw out everything you are in doubt about. Don’t ask me about anything; just use your best judgment.
6. Put a sign on my door saying “Dear Friends and Family, Mom and baby need extra rest right now. Please come back in 7 days but phone first. All donations of casserole dinners would be most welcome. Thank you for caring about this family.”
7. Come over in your work clothes and vacuum and dust my house and then leave quietly. It’s tiring for me to chat and have tea with visitors but it will renew my soul to get some rest knowing I will wake up to clean, organized space.
8. Take my older kids for a really fun-filled afternoon to a park, zoo or Science World and feed them healthy food.
9. Come over and give my husband a two hour break so he can go to a coffee shop, pub, hockey rink or some other r & r that will delight him. Fold more laundry.
10. Make me a giant pot of vegetable soup and clean the kitchen completely afterwards. Take a big garbage bag and empty every trash basket in the house and reline with fresh bags.
These are the kindnesses that new families remember and appreciate forever. It’s easy to spend money on gifts but the things that really make a difference are the services for the body and soul described above. Most of your friends and family members don’t know what they can do that won’t be an intrusion. They also can’t devote 40 hours to supporting you but they would be thrilled to devote 4 hours. If you let 10 people help you out for 4 hours, you will have the 40 hours of rested, adult support you really need with a newborn in the house. There’s magic in the little prayer “I need help.”
THANK YOU!
Kellie,
I adore this post. I breastfed my son for a little over 12 months and I consider it one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. Thank you so much for the encouraging words and praise. I agreed with every word.
And I love that list! Funny and oh so true.
I was so blessed by woman at church that dropped off meals for the first month. I look forward to paying it forward someday.
This is the best truth every told– I agree with every word, how can we make this common knowledge? Too bad my baby days are behind me.
Hope you are well darling — are we still on board for you to pop over to mind and share you talents?
So true, I still remember every meal made and every household chore done for me while prego and sick and after each baby it makes life doable. I was unable to breastfeed (something about vomiting for 9 months and losing weight instead of gaining keeps the body from producing milk, go figure)but I so wanted to and love taking care of my sweet friends when the do or even when they don’t, just love taking care of a new momma and her baby. I wish I had found you before babies so I could have come and scooped up a baby in each arm and snuggled and then went and played with big brother, it would be a momory to cherish forever. Now I can’t wait to play with all three and give you a big hug. Have fun this weekend, I am already missing you and I am so sorry I had to cancel. See you in real life soon though.
Cha Cha
Everything so true. We had twins first and we were very lucky to have both sets of grand-parents around. Always a helping hand.
This is a GREAT list! My midwife always puts sign on the front door telling guests what to do. It says things like sweep, fold clothes, stay no more than 10 minutes, do not ask to hold the baby, etc. I love that! Lisa~
You are a beautiful writer… and you have beautiful handwriting too!
I love this. My church does a full week of meals for each new baby and it is such a blessing! I linked to you today from my EP post.
This post is just filled with good stuff. Wonderful stories and great encouragement. This makes me want to cook for a family with a new baby right now. I love the list, especially cleaning out the fridge and not asking any questions. The new mother shouldn’t answer any questions, that can also be frustrating. Thanks Kellie
I didn’t know it was breastfeeding week. We’re still at it, 9 months in. I’m hoping to make it to a year.
Wonderful post! xoxo
Kellie, i am crying i am laughing so hard… you have noooooo idea how much i felt this way after little bit was born. my mom would come and “pick me up” because my husbands car had been wrecked and she just didnt understand how i wanted here there with me, not leaving with me.
not to be sad and lonely but i only had 2 friends bring things and think of me after baby was born,the food was great but i worked like a dog to get everything “picked up” for them to come visit in our 700 sq. foot duplex.
noone else came by so we did all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the washing, we meaning me, keep in mind hubby in school at night and work full time and weekend job too. the only time hubby and i saw each other was the 3 am feeding. it was hell. glad its over, here’s a thought, you can come help once i have my next!!!! thanks for speaking the truth, it really does need to be common knowledge
Kellie: You have such a giving soul… I love all of your suggestions, I’m moving next door to you when I get pregnant!
Is there a recipe for the bread you made that you could post. I love all of your food idesas, everything is always fresh and wholesome
Have a great weekend!
xoxo
nancy
I loved this post. I had a preemie and when my baby needed my milk the most I was unable to really produce it. The most I ever got was 2 ounces. I gave it my best for 6 weeks hoping it would improve. It was very sad for me and still is for some reason.
You are so sweet to make your friend those goodies, you know she will adore you even more.
It’s reasons just like this I want to give you a great big old {{{{{HUG}}}}}}. Love you & all that you do! Way to pay it forward. You now your letter/list also works for families with deployed family members
Oh man what a great story about the woman who helped you. I had many similar things happen after I had the triplets. I said the same thing to one woman in particular, “How will I ever pay you back”. She said just pay it foward in due time because now is is not your season. She impacted more than she will ever know and I will certainly be on the look-out for those that need my help, now that I know what it feels like. I really loved reading everything that you had to say in this post. In fact makes me really miss having a nursing baby right now.
You are so AWESOME Kellie! I mean it.
this is so awesome!!! i may post this letter too. great looking food and healthy too.
I LOVE YOUR POST! Thanks for sharing.
I am also a mom to 2 year old boy/girl twins and feel an automatic kinship with you! It’s crazy fun!